The whole story felt polished, professional, good pacing, good visuals, etc. - but those two lines above seem to me like expert craft. It gave me an immediate picture of their relationship, in few words (appropriate, since their relationship isn't the story focus). It shows that Laura, though she's a loving parent, is also a stern one. It shows how Sophia conspires with her brother, and regularly enough that their mother has long-ago caught on to their games.
I could be over-analyzing. There were many places of good dialogue and description, and I like how you put the treasure-family conflict at the center. Those lines, however, stuck out most for me. Thanks for a fun read, Jack.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Sam. It's funny: I polished and revised some of the passages several times, but those particular lines just came to me, unexpectedly, and I thought, "Geez, that works." Writing is just a mystery sometimes, isn't it?
You're not over analysing, IMO. It was a very well-written little story. No excessive exposition, just enough to allow a proper image of the characters. And I also agree with you on the pacing. Just right. And the drama, which is character-based. I was hoping they might at least get some treasure in the end. As a reader, if you start rooting for the character(s) then the writer has done a good job. There's a lot of stuff out there these days where I simply couldn't care what happens to the characters. (Like Disney SW episodes 7-9 lol).
So yeah, it worked really well. I enjoyed it a lot.
Someone should include this sentence in classrooms and create a whole discussion around it: "Do not go robbing tombs again—at least until you’re older and more capable." Thanks for sharing this, Jack-
'Mother and daughter exchanged a hard stare.
“Take Sophia with you,” Lorra said.'
The whole story felt polished, professional, good pacing, good visuals, etc. - but those two lines above seem to me like expert craft. It gave me an immediate picture of their relationship, in few words (appropriate, since their relationship isn't the story focus). It shows that Laura, though she's a loving parent, is also a stern one. It shows how Sophia conspires with her brother, and regularly enough that their mother has long-ago caught on to their games.
I could be over-analyzing. There were many places of good dialogue and description, and I like how you put the treasure-family conflict at the center. Those lines, however, stuck out most for me. Thanks for a fun read, Jack.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Sam. It's funny: I polished and revised some of the passages several times, but those particular lines just came to me, unexpectedly, and I thought, "Geez, that works." Writing is just a mystery sometimes, isn't it?
You're not over analysing, IMO. It was a very well-written little story. No excessive exposition, just enough to allow a proper image of the characters. And I also agree with you on the pacing. Just right. And the drama, which is character-based. I was hoping they might at least get some treasure in the end. As a reader, if you start rooting for the character(s) then the writer has done a good job. There's a lot of stuff out there these days where I simply couldn't care what happens to the characters. (Like Disney SW episodes 7-9 lol).
So yeah, it worked really well. I enjoyed it a lot.
Someone should include this sentence in classrooms and create a whole discussion around it: "Do not go robbing tombs again—at least until you’re older and more capable." Thanks for sharing this, Jack-
One of my favorite lines in the story! Something any good parent would say. :-) Thanks, Thalia!
I might try this sentence out on the kids, Jack- I wonder what their reaction would be. :)
This was so good! Thanks!